MASA is a campaign designed to fight assimilation among American Jews. Sponsored by the Israel based Jewish Agency, MASA’s latest Israeli television ad sought to raise funds for its programs by placing photos of young American Jews on missing-person posters with the tag line, “over 50% of Jews abroad are assimilating.” The 50% of Jews abroad who had not assimilated complained and the ad was pulled.
Obviously assimilation of Jews into the broader culture is still a sensitive issue. But pulling ads that highlight it doesn’t really do much to stop it. In fact nothing really does much to stop it.
What does it mean to assimilate, anyway? Am I assimilated?
I try not to be. I have a beard, that’s Jewish. I wear Levi’s, their Jewish. I make a point of being able to pronounce the “ch” sound in Hebrew and Yiddish, and make fun of those Gentiles who can’t. I can spread my fingers in such a way as to offer the Priestly Blessing or say hello to Mr. Spock and wish him a “Live long and prosper.” And I get Jon Stewart’s Jewish jokes on the Daily Show. Is this good enough? How Jewish do I have to be?
On the other hand, I just bought the remastered Beatles collection, I read the latest Dan Brown novel (being a newly minted Master Mason myself, I wanted to see how we secretly rule the world), I like country and bluegrass music, and own a pair of cowboy boots. How goyish do I have to be?
I really don’t care about assimilation. If Jews want to be something else, that’s their right. Nor do I think that MASA’s program of schlepping young Jews to Israel to show them the Walls that define us (the Western Wall and the Separation Wall) is actually going to stem the tide of assimilation. If you want people to be Jewish, you have to make being Jewish matter.
Orthodox Judaism, for example, matters. It matters because it takes itself seriously, it believes what it says, it makes demands of its members. Unfortunately this is also why most Jews who are not Orthodox don’t choose to become Orthodox. To many Jews, Orthodox Judaism is a bit too Amish. I don’t want a religion that is afraid of zippers, or makes a fetish of Canaan.
How can we liberal Jews make Judaism matter? By reclaiming its roots as a radical counter-culture. By promoting Shabbat as a global play day, free from work and consumerism. By promoting kashrut (kosher) as a way of uplifting our consuming to the highest ethical and environmental standards (forget about separating milk and meat; promote vegetarianism instead). By promoting tzedakah as right livelihood: the just earning and use of finances. By excommunicating Jack Abramoff and Bernie Madoff. *
Judaism at its best, at its coolest, is in fact unassimilatable. It is counter-culture. It is all about argument, doubt, and imagination. It is all about everything that our conformist, consumerist society is not. Why not sell that to the kids?
Why not? Because most of the so-called unassimilated are really assimilated! Sure they refer to themselves as Jews, and maybe even attend synagogue once in a while, but they share the same values as the majority of Americans.
Assimilation is a nonissue. It is like dealing with a leaking bucket by adding more water at the top rather than plugging the leak at the bottom. The real issue is imagining and then teaching a Judaism that challenges people to be something other than the middlebrow, middle-class, middle-minded self-satisfied liberals who think watching MSNBC makes them superior to those who watch FOX News. I know these people. I am these people. Come on, MASA, don’t put my picture on a milk-carton, offer me a Judaism that matters.
* Did you ever notice that AbrAMOFF and MADOFF are made up of the same letters with the exception of the letter “d”? Is this a coincidence? I think not.
Sunday, November 08, 2009
Thursday, November 05, 2009
Jesus is from Mars. Mary is from Venus.
I have long had difficulty with the physics of Christianity, especially the bodily ascension of Jesus into heaven after his resurrection. According to the Act of the Apostles, Jesus is taken up bodily into heaven forty days after his resurrection. The apostles were witnesses, so I have no doubt that this is true. (Would the Apostles lie?) But that doesn’t help me with the physics.
Given the fact that physical bodies cannot travel faster than the speed of light, Jesus, even after 2000 years of travelling in space, would still be well within the universe and nowhere near heaven (which, I assume, is beyond the universe.)
I once asked a Catholic priest to explain this to me, and he said that God can do whatever God wants. While always a good way to explain away things we can’t explain, it doesn’t satisfy me. Christianity makes a point that the resurrection is bodily, but what is the point of doing so if you are then going to deny the limits God placed on the body? So, with all due respect to the Church, I just can’t buy the idea that Jesus has made it to heaven just yet. And as it turns out, I’m right.
Not only is Jesus not in heaven, he is still in our solar system. In fact he has been spotted on Mars. NO, I’m not talking about Philip Jose Farmer’s 1979 science fiction novel, Jesus on Mars, I am talking about the real Jesus on the real Mars.
The NASA Mars Reconnaissance Orbiter took a picture of Jesus on Mars on August 3 of this year, and NASA published the photo in October. Look carefully and you will see the full body of a robed Jesus looking around the desolate Martian landscape saying, “Dad? Are we there yet?”
Actually I made up the “Are we there yet” thing, but there is no doubt that this is Jesus. So what is he doing on Mars? I asked a few true believers at the City Café the other morning and got the following responses:
“Its like the Shroud of Turin. Jesus stopped on Mars to leave this impression on the rock so that when we got to Mars we would know he had been there. This would bolster our faith.”
“He didn’t stop on Mars on his way to heaven, he is waiting on Mars before returning to earth.”
“This isn’t Jesus at all, but a trick by Barak Hussein Obama to mock our faith and promote Islamic socialism.”
I have a different view. I trust the Apostles and believe Jesus is in Heaven. I also believe in astrophysics. To reconcile the two I now believe the universe is flat and only a few miles thick. If this is true it would take only a few hours for Jesus to pass beyond the universe and enter Heaven.
Of course there are those skeptics who insist that the universe is wide, and who try to prove this by pointing to the fact that light coming to earth from distant galaxies is billions of years old, but that only shows how stupid some people can be. The billions of years old light astronomers see is coming from the length of the universe, not its depth. The universe is flat, thin, and LONG.
Why am I the only one who gets this?
Tuesday, November 03, 2009
You Know You're Too Fat When...
You know you’re too fat when a TSA agent mistakes body bulk for bombs. I am too fat.
Last Sunday I’m flying from Dayton, OH to Atlanta, GA. I am travelling light—no computer, small carry-on, one checked bag that doesn’t go through the screening process with me.
I take off my shoes and jacket, and send them along with my phone and backpack through the X-ray machine. I walk through the metal detector. Usually I’m waved on through, but not this time. This time I’m pulled aside for a pat down. Sometimes this happens because of the system’s random check procedure, but not this time. This time it is because the TSA agent sees something suspicious about my person. Unfortunately, it is my person itself.
“Sorry, sir, but it looks a bit bulky under there,” the agent says to me politely, pointing vaguely to my sweater vest.
I am led to a side station, asked to spread my arms, and prepare to receive a pat down. The problem, the agent tells me, is that there is a roll, a bulge, under my sweater vest that seems suspicious to him. It could be a bomb belt. It could be a series of liquids that, when mixed, could bring down an aircraft. It could be pairs of shoes equipped with explosive devices. Or it could be that I’m fat.
Honestly, even knowing the years I would have to spend in prison if it were anything other than fat, for a moment I prayed to Allah that I was carrying a bomb. But Allah, like Jesus, doesn’t hear the prayers of Jews, and it turned out to be fat. As the agent’s well-trained hands ran themselves over my poorly toned mid-section it became clear to him and me that when given a choice between Taliban and marzipan, I would invariably align myself with the latter.
For a moment the agent was as embarrassed as I was. I felt sorry for him. I smiled and said, “I’m a loyal American, all about mom and apple pie. Mostly pie.” He smiled back. I smiled wider. He moved on to the next potential terrorist, I went to buy some Reese’s Cups.
To be fair, I am overweight. To be balanced, I have no idea how thick a bomb belt is, so maybe the agent was right to pat me down. But the humiliation was real nonetheless. To make matters worse, when I took my seat on the plane, and squeezed my broadening butt into the seat, the guy sitting next to me says, “I lost 109 pounds over the past year.” I swear to Adonai, Lord of Hostess, that’s what he said.
Of course I asked him how he lost all that weight, and he told me he ate nothing but steak and butter. As a Jew, I don’t mix meat and milk. As a vegetarian, I don’t eat steak. I’m doomed.
Last Sunday I’m flying from Dayton, OH to Atlanta, GA. I am travelling light—no computer, small carry-on, one checked bag that doesn’t go through the screening process with me.
I take off my shoes and jacket, and send them along with my phone and backpack through the X-ray machine. I walk through the metal detector. Usually I’m waved on through, but not this time. This time I’m pulled aside for a pat down. Sometimes this happens because of the system’s random check procedure, but not this time. This time it is because the TSA agent sees something suspicious about my person. Unfortunately, it is my person itself.
“Sorry, sir, but it looks a bit bulky under there,” the agent says to me politely, pointing vaguely to my sweater vest.
I am led to a side station, asked to spread my arms, and prepare to receive a pat down. The problem, the agent tells me, is that there is a roll, a bulge, under my sweater vest that seems suspicious to him. It could be a bomb belt. It could be a series of liquids that, when mixed, could bring down an aircraft. It could be pairs of shoes equipped with explosive devices. Or it could be that I’m fat.
Honestly, even knowing the years I would have to spend in prison if it were anything other than fat, for a moment I prayed to Allah that I was carrying a bomb. But Allah, like Jesus, doesn’t hear the prayers of Jews, and it turned out to be fat. As the agent’s well-trained hands ran themselves over my poorly toned mid-section it became clear to him and me that when given a choice between Taliban and marzipan, I would invariably align myself with the latter.
For a moment the agent was as embarrassed as I was. I felt sorry for him. I smiled and said, “I’m a loyal American, all about mom and apple pie. Mostly pie.” He smiled back. I smiled wider. He moved on to the next potential terrorist, I went to buy some Reese’s Cups.
To be fair, I am overweight. To be balanced, I have no idea how thick a bomb belt is, so maybe the agent was right to pat me down. But the humiliation was real nonetheless. To make matters worse, when I took my seat on the plane, and squeezed my broadening butt into the seat, the guy sitting next to me says, “I lost 109 pounds over the past year.” I swear to Adonai, Lord of Hostess, that’s what he said.
Of course I asked him how he lost all that weight, and he told me he ate nothing but steak and butter. As a Jew, I don’t mix meat and milk. As a vegetarian, I don’t eat steak. I’m doomed.
Monday, November 02, 2009
Weather or Not to Believe
When it comes to matters meteorological, I always check with the pious. That is how I know the sun orbits the earth, that hurricane Katrina was caused by homosexuality, and that global warming is caused by atheists.
This last comes from God’s chief meteorologist, Pope Benedict XVI, who said in a recent speech, “Is it not true that inconsiderate use of creation begins where God is marginalized or also where His existence is denied? If the human creature's relationship with the Creator weakens, matter is reduced to egoistic possession, man becomes the ‘final authority,’ and the objective of existence is reduced to a feverish race to possess the most possible.”
This is harsh, but true. Without God we might become greedy and narcissistic. Without God you might walk around dressed in gold robes, wearing red Gucci loafers, wielding giant jewel encrusted silver staves, live in huge palaces filled with treasures and protected by a private army dressed in tights. Without God we might think we have a monopoly on truth, and feel empowered to lecture the world on the evils of condoms.
No, wait. That is what the Pope does and he has God. Wow! If this what the Pope does, just think of what people who don’t have God would do! No wonder the world is in such trouble.
So the answer is to get God. But, you might ask, what will getting God do to save the planet? It’s simple.
First you have to understand that there is only One God, and the Pope has him. So when the Pope says you should get God he isn’t suggesting that you get the god of your choice. He is talking about getting his God. And when you get his God, you get him. And when you get him you get to give him all your money. And when you give him all your money you have no money left over to be greedy. And when you have no money left over to be greedy you won’t be able to buy all those polluting devices. And if you can’t buy these polluting devices, the earth will stop warming and the planet will be saved. Until Jesus comes back and blows it all to Hell in the end anyway, but you won’t care because by then you will have abandoned the Pope for a Protestant Prosperity Preacher who will let you buy whatever the hell you want as long as you give a chunk of your income to his ministry, and who promises that Jesus will rapture you off the planet just before he destroys the place and the Pope along with it.
All of this is good news, though not to atheists. They still lack God, love carbon emissions, and are rapture-proof rather than rapture-ready. So I beg of you, my nonbelieving sisters and brothers, get thee to the Church on time to save our planet in time.
Thursday, October 29, 2009
Have You Seen This Missing Jew?
MASA is a campaign designed to fight assimilation among American Jews. Sponsored by the Israel based Jewish Agency, MASA’s latest Israeli television ad sought to raise funds for its programs by placing photos of young American Jews on missing-person posters with the tag line, “over 50% of Jews abroad are assimilating.” The 50% of Jews abroad who had not assimilated complained and the ad was pulled.
Obviously assimilation of Jews into the broader culture is still a sensitive issue. But pulling ads that highlight it doesn’t really do much to stop it. In fact nothing really does much to stop assimilation.
What does it mean to assimilate, anyway? Am I assimilated?
I try not to be. I have a beard, that’s Jewish. I wear Levi’s, their Jewish. I make a point of being able to pronounce the “ch” sound in Hebrew and Yiddish, and make fun of those Gentiles who can’t. I can spread my fingers in such a way as to offer the Priestly Blessing or say hello to Mr. Spock and wish him a “Live long and prosper.” And I get Jon Stewart’s Jewish jokes on the Daily Show. Is this good enough? How Jewish do I have to be?
On the other hand, I just bought the remastered Beatles collection, I read the latest Dan Brown novel (being a newly minted Master Mason myself, I wanted to see how we secretly rule the world), I like country and bluegrass music, and own a pair of cowboy boots. How goyish do I have to be?
I really don’t care about assimilation. If Jews want to be something else, that’s their right. Nor do I think that MASA’s program of schlepping young Jews to Israel to show them the Walls that define us (the Western Wall and the Separation Wall) is actually going to stem the tide of assimilation. If you want people to be Jewish, you have to make being Jewish matter.
Orthodox Judaism, for example, matters. It matters because it takes itself seriously, it believes what it says, it makes demands of its members. Unfortunately this is also why most Jews who are not Orthodox don’t choose to become Orthodox. To many Jews, Orthodox Judaism is a bit too Amish. I don’t want a Judaism that is afraid of zippers, or that makes a fetish of Canaan.
How can we liberal Jews make Judaism matter? By reclaiming its roots as a radical counter-culture. By promoting Shabbat as a global play day, free from work and consumerism. By promoting kashrut (kosher) as a way of uplifting our consuming to the highest ethical and environmental standards; forget about separating milk and meat, and promote vegetarianism instead. By promoting tzedakah as right livelihood: the just earning and use of finances. By excommunicating Jack Abramoff and Bernie Madoff.
Judaism at its best, at its coolest, is in fact unassimilatable. It is counter-culture. It is all about argument, doubt, and imagination. It is about everything that our conformist, consumerist society is not. Why not sell that to the kids?
Why not? Because most of the so-called unassimilated are really assimilated! Sure they refer to themselves as Jews, and maybe even attend synagogue once in a while, but they share the same values as the majority of Americans.
Assimilation is a nonissue. It is like dealing with a leaking bucket by adding more water rather than plugging the leak. The real challenge is imagining and then teaching a Judaism that challenges people to be something other than the middlebrow, middle-class, middle-mind self-satisfied liberals who think watching MSNBC makes them superior to those who watch FOX News. I know these people. I am these people. Come on, MASA, don’t put my picture on a milk-carton, offer me a Judaism that matters.
Obviously assimilation of Jews into the broader culture is still a sensitive issue. But pulling ads that highlight it doesn’t really do much to stop it. In fact nothing really does much to stop assimilation.
What does it mean to assimilate, anyway? Am I assimilated?
I try not to be. I have a beard, that’s Jewish. I wear Levi’s, their Jewish. I make a point of being able to pronounce the “ch” sound in Hebrew and Yiddish, and make fun of those Gentiles who can’t. I can spread my fingers in such a way as to offer the Priestly Blessing or say hello to Mr. Spock and wish him a “Live long and prosper.” And I get Jon Stewart’s Jewish jokes on the Daily Show. Is this good enough? How Jewish do I have to be?
On the other hand, I just bought the remastered Beatles collection, I read the latest Dan Brown novel (being a newly minted Master Mason myself, I wanted to see how we secretly rule the world), I like country and bluegrass music, and own a pair of cowboy boots. How goyish do I have to be?
I really don’t care about assimilation. If Jews want to be something else, that’s their right. Nor do I think that MASA’s program of schlepping young Jews to Israel to show them the Walls that define us (the Western Wall and the Separation Wall) is actually going to stem the tide of assimilation. If you want people to be Jewish, you have to make being Jewish matter.
Orthodox Judaism, for example, matters. It matters because it takes itself seriously, it believes what it says, it makes demands of its members. Unfortunately this is also why most Jews who are not Orthodox don’t choose to become Orthodox. To many Jews, Orthodox Judaism is a bit too Amish. I don’t want a Judaism that is afraid of zippers, or that makes a fetish of Canaan.
How can we liberal Jews make Judaism matter? By reclaiming its roots as a radical counter-culture. By promoting Shabbat as a global play day, free from work and consumerism. By promoting kashrut (kosher) as a way of uplifting our consuming to the highest ethical and environmental standards; forget about separating milk and meat, and promote vegetarianism instead. By promoting tzedakah as right livelihood: the just earning and use of finances. By excommunicating Jack Abramoff and Bernie Madoff.
Judaism at its best, at its coolest, is in fact unassimilatable. It is counter-culture. It is all about argument, doubt, and imagination. It is about everything that our conformist, consumerist society is not. Why not sell that to the kids?
Why not? Because most of the so-called unassimilated are really assimilated! Sure they refer to themselves as Jews, and maybe even attend synagogue once in a while, but they share the same values as the majority of Americans.
Assimilation is a nonissue. It is like dealing with a leaking bucket by adding more water rather than plugging the leak. The real challenge is imagining and then teaching a Judaism that challenges people to be something other than the middlebrow, middle-class, middle-mind self-satisfied liberals who think watching MSNBC makes them superior to those who watch FOX News. I know these people. I am these people. Come on, MASA, don’t put my picture on a milk-carton, offer me a Judaism that matters.
Monday, October 26, 2009
Courting Disaster
Supreme Court Justice Antonin Scalia, appointed to protect the Constitution of the United States, seems to have a poor understanding of just what this Constitution says. In discussing the case of the cross erected as a war memorial on federal land in the Mojave Desert, Justice Scalia displayed a frightening sense of ignorance. When told that the cross is a Christian symbol and violates the First Amendment, Justice Scalia said that it was no such thing, adding, “The cross is the most common symbol of the resting place of the dead.”
Either Justice Scalia is stupid, or he is completely blind to the existence of other religions. I hope it is the latter, but I fear it is the former. I can deal with a Justice who is in fact a Christian Triumphalist seeking to make America into a Christian nation. Eventually he will discover that Christianity isn't monolithic, and those Christians who will be marginalized in Scalia's America will fight back alongside others (religious and secular) to put an end (albeit temporary) to such theocratic insanity.
But if Justice Scalia is simply stupid; if he doesn't understand what a cross is or what the First Amendment stands for, then we have a problem. Why? Because then he represents the majority of Americans and there is little hope for change.
When told that the cross affirms one’s belief in Jesus as Christ, and that Jews, for one, never put the cross on their graves, the justice angrily snapped, “I think that is an outrageous conclusion.” Supreme Court Justice Antonin Scalia, appointed to protect the Constitution of the United States, seems to have a poor understanding of just what this Constitution says. In discussing the case of the cross erected as a war memorial on federal land in the Mojave Desert, Justice Scalia displayed a frightening sense of Christian triumphalism. When told that the cross is a Christian symbol and violates the First Amendment, Justice Scalia said that it was no such thing, adding, “The cross is the most common symbol of the resting place of the dead.”
When told that the cross affirms one’s belief in Jesus as Christ, and that Jews, for one, never put the cross on their graves, the justice angrily snapped, “I think that is an outrageous conclusion.” Obviously Justice Scalia only visits Christian graveyards.
Justice Scalia is on record saying that he believes it is constitutional for the United States government to favor religion, and that the First Amendment does not affirm the government's neutrality toward religion.
Needless to say nonChristians are unhappy with a Supreme Court Justice who is ignorant regarding the First Amendment, but don’t image that all Christians are happy with Justice Scalia either. “America,” a Catholic weekly magazine, accused the justice of reducing the cross "to just a couple of pieces of lumber."
It scares me that a Supreme Court Justice is so ignorant of the First Amendment, one of the truly revolutionary documents in human history, and a foundation stone of American life. Why didn't this come up at his confirmation hearing? How did a man who is so ignorant of our founding principles get to be one of nine people responsible for securing them?
It's simple: he is anti abortion and wants to do away with Roe v. Wade. That is all it takes to be a Supreme Justice in America. You can know nothing else, but if you are anti abortion you're our guy.
Day by day, news story by news story, my faith in America fades. Let us hope that a wise Latina can bring some Constitutional knowledge to the court.
Either Justice Scalia is stupid, or he is completely blind to the existence of other religions. I hope it is the latter, but I fear it is the former. I can deal with a Justice who is in fact a Christian Triumphalist seeking to make America into a Christian nation. Eventually he will discover that Christianity isn't monolithic, and those Christians who will be marginalized in Scalia's America will fight back alongside others (religious and secular) to put an end (albeit temporary) to such theocratic insanity.
But if Justice Scalia is simply stupid; if he doesn't understand what a cross is or what the First Amendment stands for, then we have a problem. Why? Because then he represents the majority of Americans and there is little hope for change.
When told that the cross affirms one’s belief in Jesus as Christ, and that Jews, for one, never put the cross on their graves, the justice angrily snapped, “I think that is an outrageous conclusion.” Supreme Court Justice Antonin Scalia, appointed to protect the Constitution of the United States, seems to have a poor understanding of just what this Constitution says. In discussing the case of the cross erected as a war memorial on federal land in the Mojave Desert, Justice Scalia displayed a frightening sense of Christian triumphalism. When told that the cross is a Christian symbol and violates the First Amendment, Justice Scalia said that it was no such thing, adding, “The cross is the most common symbol of the resting place of the dead.”
When told that the cross affirms one’s belief in Jesus as Christ, and that Jews, for one, never put the cross on their graves, the justice angrily snapped, “I think that is an outrageous conclusion.” Obviously Justice Scalia only visits Christian graveyards.
Justice Scalia is on record saying that he believes it is constitutional for the United States government to favor religion, and that the First Amendment does not affirm the government's neutrality toward religion.
Needless to say nonChristians are unhappy with a Supreme Court Justice who is ignorant regarding the First Amendment, but don’t image that all Christians are happy with Justice Scalia either. “America,” a Catholic weekly magazine, accused the justice of reducing the cross "to just a couple of pieces of lumber."
It scares me that a Supreme Court Justice is so ignorant of the First Amendment, one of the truly revolutionary documents in human history, and a foundation stone of American life. Why didn't this come up at his confirmation hearing? How did a man who is so ignorant of our founding principles get to be one of nine people responsible for securing them?
It's simple: he is anti abortion and wants to do away with Roe v. Wade. That is all it takes to be a Supreme Justice in America. You can know nothing else, but if you are anti abortion you're our guy.
Day by day, news story by news story, my faith in America fades. Let us hope that a wise Latina can bring some Constitutional knowledge to the court.
Friday, October 23, 2009
Black Tooth Down
Soupy Sales died yesterday. He was one of the greatest Jews who ever lived. Or, to be more specific, one of the greatest Jews who ever lived in Franklinton, North Carolina. There were five Jews in Franklinton: Mr. and Mrs. Milton Supman (pronounced “soup man”) and their three sons whom they nicknamed Hambone, Chickenbone, and Soupbone (honestly). Milt owned a dry goods store and sold sheets to members of the KKK (also honestly).
I watched the Soupy Sales Show religiously. He seemed to be a true anarchist. And he loved pie. What’s not to like? Plus he had his two dogs (puppets really) White Fang and Black Tooth, the meanest and nicest dogs in America, respectively. My favorite line of the show was “Black Tooth, don’t kiss.” I use it to this day. In fact I spend most days looking for a opportunity to say, “Black Tooth, don’t kiss.” When I finally find the right moment and utter these immortal words, I get a warn feeling inside and know my day is complete. I should probably live alone.
I learned how to dance from Soupy Sales. Soupy did this odd shuffle thing that I copied. It made me stand out on the dance floor. When I realized people were just staring at me, I would say, “Black Tooth, don’t kiss.” It was a non sequitur, but I could never think of anything else to say.
Some of you know this dance move, though unlike myself you may not performed it in the last day or two. As a tribute to and in memory of Soupy Sales I invite all of you who know this dance to dance together with me today at noon Eastern Time (11 Central, 10 Mountain, 9 Pacific).
Soupy Sales is famous for lots of things, not the least among them his on-air pitch to each of the children of America to send him a dollar. Eighty thousand dollars in Monopoly money flowed in. I like to think that it was Soup Sales, a Jew, who gave Evangelical preachers the idea to go on television and ask for money. It isn’t true, of course, but I like to think that.
I like to think a lot of things. Right now I like to think of Soupy Sales, the Greatest Jew of Franklinton, NC, being graciously welcomed into Heaven by God, and having Soupy pie the Almighty in the face. With God and Soupy laughing joyously, Black Tooth runs up and licks God’s face clean while Soupy himself says, “Black Tooth, don’t kiss!”
My day is complete.
I watched the Soupy Sales Show religiously. He seemed to be a true anarchist. And he loved pie. What’s not to like? Plus he had his two dogs (puppets really) White Fang and Black Tooth, the meanest and nicest dogs in America, respectively. My favorite line of the show was “Black Tooth, don’t kiss.” I use it to this day. In fact I spend most days looking for a opportunity to say, “Black Tooth, don’t kiss.” When I finally find the right moment and utter these immortal words, I get a warn feeling inside and know my day is complete. I should probably live alone.
I learned how to dance from Soupy Sales. Soupy did this odd shuffle thing that I copied. It made me stand out on the dance floor. When I realized people were just staring at me, I would say, “Black Tooth, don’t kiss.” It was a non sequitur, but I could never think of anything else to say.
Some of you know this dance move, though unlike myself you may not performed it in the last day or two. As a tribute to and in memory of Soupy Sales I invite all of you who know this dance to dance together with me today at noon Eastern Time (11 Central, 10 Mountain, 9 Pacific).
Soupy Sales is famous for lots of things, not the least among them his on-air pitch to each of the children of America to send him a dollar. Eighty thousand dollars in Monopoly money flowed in. I like to think that it was Soup Sales, a Jew, who gave Evangelical preachers the idea to go on television and ask for money. It isn’t true, of course, but I like to think that.
I like to think a lot of things. Right now I like to think of Soupy Sales, the Greatest Jew of Franklinton, NC, being graciously welcomed into Heaven by God, and having Soupy pie the Almighty in the face. With God and Soupy laughing joyously, Black Tooth runs up and licks God’s face clean while Soupy himself says, “Black Tooth, don’t kiss!”
My day is complete.
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